One of my secrets for maintaining a youthful appearance is prioritizing healthy skin care. A few years ago turning 60, Instagram began bombarding me with ads for ED pills, prostate health, nose hair clippers, hair dyes and face creams. Of course I had no reason to click on these offers, except… the face cream ad showed a graying 60 year old guy fending off hordes of young nubiles after just one week of smearing Beef Tallow all over his face (I have to admit, the before and after photos were quite remarkable).
Beef Tallow is basically just residual grease from the cattle slaughtering process, not so different from what we have here in Mexico called “Manteca.” Manteca is lard. It’s given away free at every roadside Carnitas stand. The Abuelas love using Manteca to fry everything from rellenos to papas. But why use the free stuff when I can pay $25 an ounce 🤦🏼♂️ So back in the States over the Christmas break I succumbed and ordered my first jar of “whipped tallow honey balm face and body moisturizer” – aka Beef Tallow. Beef Tallow is an all-natural waxy paste with the consistency of Crisco or Vaseline, but has some additional unique qualities.
Does it have an odor? YES. And that’s either a curse or a blessing. Odor on a man is like bait, so it depends on what you’re trying to catch. For example, the odor of Perry Ellis 360 Red cologne typically produces good results for me. Anyway, I like the skinny girls and a few weeks ago I went on a first date with a skinny girl in Puerto Vallarta. She opened the door and immediately grimaced at the smell wafting from the cab of my Yukon. She said in Spanish “¿Qué la chingada ese olor pútrido!?” which loosely translates to “What the fuck is that putrid smell!?” I tried to explain that it was just simply my face cream but she said “¡Huele como si hubiera partes de cuerpos cortados en tu asiento trasero!” which loosely translates to “it smells like there are chopped up body parts in your backseat!” She slammed the door shut and ran really fast back to her apartment. On the flip side, the next night (me, a little more desperate now) I had a third date with a not-so-skinny girl – what we sometimes call a gorda, or torta. What I already knew about this girl is that she prioritizes food over exercise. The guy she dated before me works at my favorite mariscos restaurant and is the guy who fries the whole fish in skillets of hot corn oil. I’ve met him and he literally wreaks of fried grease from 10 feet away. Apparently the odor of disgusting food appeals to her in a pheromone kind of way. When she opened the door and got a whiff of my beefy face, she thought I had brought her tacos carne asada. She said “Papi, ¿vamos a cenar esta noche y ver Netflix?” which loosely translates to “Daddy are we going to eat in tonight and watch Netflix?” So yes, Beef Tallow has a strong odor, which can be either an attraction or a repellant, depending your date’s appetite.
Is it Vegan? NO. On yet another date the girl got into the car and leaned in for a kiss. After recoiling from the kiss, she wiped her lips as if she’d just eaten shit. About 30 seconds after that she started dry heaving. 10 seconds later, I kid you not, she projectile vomited across the center console and plastered my brand new, $65 imported Guayabera shirt. Dry-clean only and my little Pueblo doesn’t have one. The shirt is trash. Turns out she’s uber-Vegan, like allergic to any and everything that ever walked, breathed or bred (which includes a Neanderthal like me). Beef Tallow and Vegans definitely do not mix. Makes complete sense and I feel like I should have known this.
Do animals react to it? YES. Two stories. I sit in on a weekly game night with three other friends – another guy and two girls. Sometimes cards, sometimes jenga or dominoes. Alejandra, the host, has one of those ranch dogs that shepherd the livestock. It’s like an Australian Blue or whatever those smart little fuckers are called. In fact its name is Blue. Anyway, I’m trying to hold my cards discreetly below the table top and this fucking little dog just keeps licking at my hand. Pushing it away, it then jumps to my lap and starts licking at my face. Obviously it’s the smell of beef that’s captured his hyperactive affection. Now, the good thing about all this is that Alejandra takes this as a sign that I’m an animal lover (which I am not) and that her dog really likes me, which is a mandatory dating compatibility litmus test for her. I’m starting to get the stare and the vibe from her that “I’m the one.” Who knows what the future holds for us. If we end up married, I will owe it all to Beef Tallow.
The second evidence that Beef Tallow piques the keen smell of animals is when I get stopped at the State Agricultural Checkpoint. Unfortunately, I have to pass this checkpoint every time I drive from Nayarit (where I live) to Puerto Vallarta, which is in the next State of Jalisco. Two weeks ago I was singled out for secondary inspection after the K9 Detector Dog alerted to my vehicle. More than an hour later, after pulling off all the upholstery and interior panels of my Yukon, finding no contraband, I was free to go. I now carry the signs pictured below and proactively flash them as I pass. This seems to have solved the dog problem as I’m passing the checkpoint with only their collective laughter and pointing as they mumble “Pinche Vallarta joto!” That loosely translates to “fucking homosexual tourist.” Humiliating for sure, but I can live with this.
Is it compatible with beach life? NO. Problematic on two fronts. One, it’s animal fat. Essentially like applying bacon grease or baby oil. The first trip to the beach I got sun burned so badly that I peeled a layer of charred skin from my nose before lunchtime. I’d estimate that the tender skin of the face goes from virgin white to 3rd degree red in about an hour. Secondly, Beef Tallow and sand do not mix well. It’s like wearing a fly strip across your forehead as it attracts millions of hard bits (sand and insects) from the air and water. Normal cotton beach towels will not wipe your face smooth; they only grind the granules into your skin seeding your nasal passages and cheeks for later blackhead acne. The only thing that can clean soiled Beef Tallow from your face is a densely woven microfiber. Luckily, I keep my trusty “As Seen on TV” ShamWow in the glove compartment. The ShamWow removes the abrasive, after-beach tallow/sand mixture while leaving the perfect matte sheen on my forehead, nose and ears.
Is it flammable? YES. I – did – not – see – this – coming. Occasionally I smoke cigars. And because cigars are expensive and I am cheap, I smoke a stogie right down to its nub. The other night at my neighbor’s house I was drawing in probably the last possible draw from a nice Monte Cristo when POOF! Before my eyes I saw a flame arc from the glowing cigar ash tip, past my upper lip, past my nose and eyeballs, and attach itself to my right eyebrow. From there it proceeded to singe the eyebrow from edge to edge. The smell of burnt hair was horrific but worse was the extinguished devastation. Elmer, my neighbor who used to live in LA, is constantly high and speaks good English, said “Dude, your eyebrow looks like the de-forested aftermath of the California wildfires.” Indeed, my right eyebrow hairs are no longer blond, orderly and vertical; they’re more like squiggly black pubic hairs separated by barren patches of blistered red and dried magma. So just know that getting Beef Tallow near fire is like throwing a lit match into your gas grill – super combustible!
Will I order more? Probably not. Beef Tallow is repulsive to skinny girls, vegans and smokers, and attractive to foodies, chubby girls and their pets. Plus it’s expensive, time-consuming and has permanently stained all my pillowcases. For me the downsides outnumber the upsides. It’s been an interesting 30-day experiment but I may have to fall back on my natural good looks, charming personality and American wallet to keep my love life active.
Stay tuned,
Deuce
deuceorama 