Tuesday and Wednesday of this week I drove from the US across the Mexican border and through three states – Sonora, Sinaloa and Nayarit.  It was about a 20 hour drive over two days.  Arriving at my destination I felt a sense of relief, but not the usual sense of relief one would have driving from say, Wisconsin to Florida.  This was a more a sense of victory, like I had just won the game.  Yeah, the last two days were like living an elaborate game blending Chess, Monopoly, Hide-and-Seek and myriad video games of the 80s. 

The three states I traversed couldn’t be more different.  Sonora is a very regulated state of permits and laws.  It begins at the border where customs and immigration do their thing.  Here’s where you hide expensive items or declare them and pay 19% import tax.  I actually imported two very expensive generators for a friend.  I declared them and paid about $200 in taxes.  Here’s where you get your tourist visa.  Here’s where you bond your car, meaning that you have to return it to the US rather than sell it.  Driving in Sonora is a pleasure as most of it falls under a “hassle free” zone whereby the police will not stop you for inspections (a.k.a. bribes/mordita).  All-in-all driving in Sonora is much like driving in Arizona.

Most Americans hold-up in Navojoa, Sonora, just north of the state border with Sinaloa.  Here’s where the game begins.  Ahead lie 22 toll booths that require about $150 cash.  The crux is that you can expect to be stopped and searched several times, which is a pretext for robbing your cash stash.  As I am moving to deep Mexico permanently, my cash stash was about $500.   The Chess game begins.  I placed $150 in my pocket.  They expect you to have that much for the tolls ahead.  I placed $150 in a new money belt – the kind with a zipper built into the underside.  This old fashion item is mail-order, kind of expensive and I doubted the local yocals would be aware of such trickery. 

While on eBay for the belt, I ordered a Coke Can safe.  I placed my last $150 into this safe and mixed it into a regular 12 pack of Coke.  No way anyone could find this stash! 

I’m ready to enter Sinaloa, which is probably a kin to the Texas panhandle – hot, ugly, lawless and not really part of the Union.  Immediately after crossing into Sinaloa, I’m stopped and searched.   A big-bellied slob of man comes to the car and rudely tells me to exit for a search.  Let’s call him Bowser.  I’m culled away from the heard, a little out of sight and there are no witnesses to what’s about to happen.  He’s an asshole from the start, trying to rattle me.  He demands I hand over all my money.  I take the wad from my pocket and hand it to him.  He asks “Is this all you got?”  He asks three times, each more aggressive and intimidating.  He huffs and puffs and hands the wad back to me and sends me on my way.  I pull over a few miles down the road to take a leak and realize he’s stolen $40 from me.  Oh well, he got me.  His sleight of hand was better than David Copperfield.  I’m pissed but philosophical about it.  No inspection of the car meaning no hours of unloading and reloading and I still have the $1500 generators. 

Less than an hour and another checkpoint.  This time it’s a group of about 10 uniformed agents.  I’m hoping that the grift doesn’t happen because there are so many witnesses.  Plus these guys all have “FGV” patches on their shirts, representing their agency authority.  Funny thing is, google “FGV Mexico” and nothing comes up.  I think it’s a bogus agency only found in Sinaloa, fabricated to give Americans some sense of security and trust.  Remember, Sinaloa is home of El Chapo’s cartel; there is no law here.  Not even the Federal government has power over what goes on in Sinaloa.  Anyway, this is a full-on inspection.  They spent 30 minutes going though my car.  It was packed so full and so tight they didn’t dig deep enough to see the generators.  They were looking for money and drug stashes – under the floor mats, in the air vents, in the cup holders, in my suitcases and backpack.  Finding nothing, they sent me on my way.

Another hour down the road and another FGV checkpoint.  It’s now about noon and the temperature has reached 95 degrees with 95% humidity.  Two guys approach and just hang on my window breathing in my AC.  They’re friendly and so I reciprocate.  We make small talk in English and Spanish.  They’ve visited Tucson, specifically Casino Del Sol, and they’re intrigued and respectful that I taught ESL in Nogales.  So then I say “Listen, boys, your guys up the road just robbed me of $40 and I’ve got only enough cash to finish with the tolls.  How about you do me a solid and accept two cold Gatorades and let me pass?”  They do.

So that ends the Chess and Hide & Seek portion of the game.  Now the video game portion.  Because of the corruption in Sinaloa where everyone involved with the Toll Road system is stealing money, it appears that no money is getting to its purpose of maintaining the road.  The pavement is a fucking disaster, as if it were the bombed landing strip at Bagram Airport during the Gulf war.  The pot holes are as big as my Camry so it’s a good thing I was driving the Yukon.  The thing about Mexican 2-lane highways is that they are actually 3-lane highways.  It’s customary to have each side drive on the shoulder and both sides use the middle space for passing. Solid and dashed yellow lines mean nothing to anyone.  If you aren’t paying attention and you rely on the painted lines, you’ll be facing a Volvo passenger bus barreling toward you at 80 mph.  This Mexican driving custom is insane!  Mix in the pot holes with the randomly placed, unmarked speed bumps and speed humps and you’ve got a legitimate Nintendo video game simulation.  For me it brought back memories of Mario Kart and Peaches dropping star spikes in front of my kart.  The road from the Sonora border to Culiacan is an absolute shit show.  With the added stress of three corrupt checkpoints, I’m white knuckled at this point.

Ever play Frogger?  Well this International speedy highway toll road sometimes isn’t.  Sometimes it slows to a crawl and people – window washers, vendors, little children and dogs are darting in front of you like a game of Frogger. They are the “frog.” I literally saw a stray dog get slaughtered before my eyes in the oncoming lane.  Sad for sure.  Challenging for drivers to say the least. 

Only about half of the toll booth stops have facilities. Bathrooms are hidden at gas stations.  I usually fill up with gasoline while I use the head.  The thing about Mexican gas stations is that they run various scams at the pump.  One scam is to not “zero out” the pump before filling you up.  So you start with $10 on the pump which is added to your bill and then they pocket it.  Another scam is to say that your credit card was declined.  So they run it again.  What they’re actually doing is running it twice.  This one you can win on appeal with your bank, but what a hassle.  Or worse, they say it was declined so then you pay cash but it actually wasn’t declined, so you pay twice. No recourse for this clever trick. There’s yet another scam involving them filling up a portable plastic can near their pump but I cant remember the details because I’m getting old and forgetful.

Sinaloa, well the northern part anyway, is a shit hole of a state with pinche Banditos at every turn.  I’ll be taking an airplane over this state as often as possible.  Late in the day I finally arrived at the Nayarit border. 

Nayarit, my home, is a lovely state with nice, honest people.  There are no checkpoints, no inspections, no banditos.  It’s probably most like our Vermont or New Hampshire.  It’s a live free or die kinda place. The tiny, two-lane roads are well maintained, but curvy as hell.  It was like driving up Pike’s Peak in Colorado, but at 60mph.  Hands at 10 and 2 for hours.  Plus I was pelted with sideways rain all the way. Plus my Yukon is 25 years old. It decided to mentally torment me with wipers that didn’t work properly, the AC acted up and the door ajar buzzer was buzzing most of the time. But I arrived at my destination intact and with most of my money and all my possessions.

As for other video game parallels (Mario Kart, PacMan, Missile Command, Donkey Kong and Frogger), the game I played this week had a little bit of each one. I needed to watch for kids and dogs, watch my gas, watch my money and seek out hidden bathrooms.  While being hunted, shot at and thwarted at every turn, I maintained a positive bank account, jumped hurdles, slayed dragons, went to jail, passed go, reached the castle and got the gold coin. And that’s why driving through Mexico is the Ultimate Game.

Mexico is not for the weak my friends.  May I suggest if you visit me that you fly.  I’ll personally pick you up at the airport and put a Michelada in your hand. 

Fuertes abrazos, Bruce