Look. No apologies. I’m a white, American guy who was born into a middle-class, Midwest, nuclear family. I had two parents and four grandparents. My love and appreciation for them would be considered normal, I think they’d say. My love for your parents and grandparents, also, would be considered normal …in the States. 

Today’s blog isn’t my usual stripe. It doesn’t have the typical distribution of 200 men and I promise to not mention cigars, booze or partying. There are only a select handful of you reading this post. I simply want to share a few observations from living abroad. As it relates to family roles, responsibilities and respect, the American culture is not necessarily the world culture. 

Mama Mia!

Today I’m talking about mothers and grandmothers. Nearly 15 years living among Latino families in Brazil and Mexico has opened my eyes to some dramatic cultural differences in how madres and abuelas are regarded. Indulge me a momentito.   

Latino men get a bad rap for being macho or acting with machismo towards women. The closest English translation would be chauvinism or piggish behavior. Well I’m here to tell you something… I’ve known hundreds of Latino couples, and have known them well-enough to have detected any such mistreatment. And I haven’t. Never. Not once. On the contrary, I’ve observed a culture of complete and total respect for women. Respect for all women of all ages and all nationalities. Not a conversation happens without my friends asking about my mom and sending their blessings to her.  Some have met her, most have not. The sending of well-wishes is rooted in their culture. They assume I have a mother and they assume she’s important to me. They’re right of course, but it dumbfounds me how much attention and concern they extend, through me, to her. 

Mama Mia!

Did you know some Mexican fathers work for an entire year to provide a Quinceañera for their daughter’s 15^th birthday?  Adjusting pesos to dollars and for the 5:1 difference in wages, providing a Quinceañera makes providing a car for an American Sweet 16 look like chump change. Then there’s the daughter’s wedding. Not unlike Americans, when at all possible, the Mexican father of the bride hosts his daughter’s wedding. And Mexican weddings are not small affairs. The few I’ve attended had several hundred guests, had live music, served amazing food and hosted an open bar. Here again the father of the bride is forking over nearly a year’s salary. Holy guacamole, a year’s salary each for the Quinceañera and the wedding! Cherishing the women-folk starts at a young age and continues in perpetuity.

As for a Mexican mother, well, without any doubt and without any exception – mama is the Queen. Seems to me that the women are the actual heads of the household. Mothers are significantly more important than fathers. There might be a couple of reasons for this. One is that more and more the father is just a biological credit, out of the picture, and children are being raised by single moms. I’d venture to guess that the percent of single moms is equal to the percent of two parent couples. But different, I think, than white America, Mexican kids are very often raised by the grandmother. And not just casually babysat, but really, really nurture-raised.  “Nana” is washing and feeding, providing daycare, walking to and from school and shepherding the homework. Nana is teaching the culture, instilling the values and dishing the discipline. Ask any Mexican about “the chancla” … Nana’s flip-flop sandal thrown across the room or lashed across the ass when needed.

With Nana playing such an important role in every Mexican child’s life, the bond is strong – even stronger than with mom.  This bond carries into every child’s adulthood and consequently Mexican grandmothers are deeply respected and highly regarded. There is nothing a grandchild won’t do for their grandmother.

Whenever I enter a Mexican home, I am expected to greet every member of the household. Even upon a first visit, I am expected to warmly greet the grandmother with a double handshake or a hug and air-kiss. It is considered very rude to leave without repeating the process and saying goodbye to each member personally. I’m afraid to admit that my American ways have been scrutinized and criticized on more than one occasion.

Mama Mia!

I’ve never seen an “old folks home” in Mexico. Well, I’ve seen homes and apartments for wealthy retired Americans in Mexico, but to be clear – Mexicans don’t put grandma in a home. No. They keep grandma in their home forever. No matter the affliction, no matter the financial or spatial resources, no matter the age, no matter for how long – grandma is part of the nuclear family. In my opinion, the Mexicans get it right.

In a couple of weeks I’ll be vacationing with my American family in Mexico. Eight of the people closest to me. The nearest and the dearest. By design the itinerary centers around food and drink, communal living and miles of van travel. There’ll be no place to hide, cry or fart. We will laugh and we will bond. Among us will be several women, a few mothers and two special grandmothers. I can’t help but think how lucky we are to get this opportunity. It cuts both ways – elders get to bask in the glory of what they’ve produced and the youth get to thank them – all via unsaid subtleties, but that’s what will happen. Priceless memories will be made – good, bad or ugly.

And so I’ll wrap with this. If you’re not already Mexican, maybe try to be more Mexican. Respect your elders. You’d be nothing without them. You’ll miss them one day so make the most of every minute.

Bendiciones a todas las madres y que vivan todas las abuelas!